So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
