we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
