My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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