Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
