help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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