he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
