I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
