some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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