I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
