How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
