Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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