The police scanner is talking about you again....
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
