guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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