he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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