Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
