Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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