OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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