smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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