What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
