The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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