Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
