Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
