the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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