Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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