dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
