dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
