this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
