these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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