My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
