I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He passed out mid-signature
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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