I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
please don't ironically join a cult
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