i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
