Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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