Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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