Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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