This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
