I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
