i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
