if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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