I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
