after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
