i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it glows. i had to have it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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