I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
