I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
