Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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