If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
