I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
