No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
