i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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