i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
